Well, I don't know where to start.  The last couple of days have been a struggle.  I waited all day yesterday to get the phone call about the results to the blood tests I had done.  I ended up having to wait over the long weekend as all the results were not in on Friday.  The results came back that my blood tests were fine, but that still doesn't answer the questions I have of why I am having the problems that I am.  I was sure those blood tests were going to show something, and now am facing having to go out for another appointment possibly.  I just want to ignore it and put it off and right now that side is winning.  After I got my results yesterday, I wished for the millionth time that I could talk to my mom, as the problem I am having is "woman" related.  I again felt the hole of grief open up and swallow me in.  I decided to call my Aunt Arlene, my father's sister,  since she was a nurse and I trust her.  As I was taking to her the conversation turned toward my mom and I ended up in tears.  After I got off of the phone with her,  I checked my email to see if I had heard anything about my writing.  I was happy to see that I had gotten a response from the PA TSA about me writing for them.  The email stated that it would love to have me help with their newsletter,  though it would not be a paid position.  So my emotions swung upward at the thought of writing for them and that my writing would be read by a good number of people.  However this was overtaken quickly by anxiety and panic, which is where I am still kind of at.   I spoke to the woman from the Alliance on the phone today and she seemed very nice, but my doubts are overtaking me.  I have still been waiting to here form Yahoo! about that article, and in the mean time have checked out some profiles of the writers.  This brought on more anxiety as the seem to have it so "together"and have endless ideas of what to write about.  I have struggled also the last couple of days with sitting down to write.  My mind is jumbled and I am finding it difficult to concentrate.  Same old...same old.  I took on another project as well.  I am attempting to read the Bible in 90 days with a group of ladies.  I now have the feeling of "What did I do???" and feel like I bit off more than I could chew with having theses different projects I am working on.  I know to most people this would be very little but to me it is a lot, and I am feeling very overwhelmed.    I am trying to push myself to keep going forward but I feel very much like retreating back into the "known" and "safe" zone in my life.  I am worn out, anxious, frustrated, and as my friend would say, "a hot mess".  That's where I'm at right now.