Success!

The last three weeks have seen many changes in my life.  Many of them I have documented here.  Today, I finally heard about the Yahoo! article and it has been published.  You can find it at  http://voices.yahoo.com/baking-bread-making-memories-mom-10775833.html?cat=25  I am very proud of myself for this accomplishment, but am continuing to look forward.  I have started several projects over the last couple of weeks.  My writing is only one facet.  I have also taken on the project of reading the bible with a group of ladies and have also joined a weight loss and fitness encouragement group on facebook.  I am hoping it will give me the push to take better care of myself, as I have been needing to do for a while.  All these things happening have been great, but I also am fighting against anxiety even in the midst of it.  I have kind of gone from 0 to 60 or at least that's what it feels like to me.  I now have projects that need my attention but am having a hard time focusing at times.  Also , with the successes come the feelings of dread of not being able to keep up with things or to keep succeeding.  It feels like I have taken on a lot.  But I know that with God's help, it is all possible. Not only this, but so much more that I don't even know yet.  Succeeding is really in the eye of the beholder I am learning, and is very much an individual thing based on each person.  For some success is based solely on money and titles.  For others it is based on education and careers.  Others see success as being a loving mother and wife.  I think I see success as simply being in a better place than I was yesterday, or at least maintaining my improvements.  Success can take on many forms in my opinion; admitting your were wrong and making amends, giving someone an ear to listen or a word of needed encouragement, working on and completing a project to name a few.  For me the last couple of years my success has been making it through each day and not ending up in the hospital for mental health reasons.  Some days it was all I had in me just to get through.  Now is time to get on.  To set off from this point and look forward instead of always looking back, whether it is looking back on good or bad.  For the first time in a very long time I am feeling hope.  Life really is an adventure...some of it we don't understand,  we never will.  Life also has no guarantees,  we need to live life to the fullest while we can because, as with my mom, we never know when that privilege will be taken from us.  I intend to start living my life more purposefully each day,  and when goals are met to keep striving.  I truly wish my mom would understand about my writing getting published,  she would be so proud.  She was always my biggest cheerleader in life.  But there also comes a time when you have to be proud of you, yourself,  not needing someone else specific to be proud of you.  Maybe that is actually the next stage of my grieving when it comes to my mom, being OK with not having her voice telling me "I'm so proud of you! Good Job! I knew you could do it!".  I need to start saying those things to myself and I think now is as good a time to start as any.

Momentum

The last couple days have been frustrating,  but in a different way than I am used to, and in a backwards kind of way it's a good thing I guess.  Here is what I mean.  Usually my days have been filled with anxiety and depression over all that was going on with my mom and my inability to move forward.  Now I feel I have pushed against that weight, and got the rock moving forward.  I made a lot of headway in a short period of time before and after New Years and started several projects.  I feel as though Satan has been working over time trying to thwart me.  I have received several messages from different acquaintances I had made playing the games inviting me back to the games.  Yesterday , I was unable to do my readings on my scripture goals due to having dizziness with what I think has been a flu bug.  And up until writing this, I have not written in several days.  I had gotten down on myself for losing my momentum and for not making progress.  But here's the thing.   What is more crucial is what I haven't done.  I didn't go back to the games, although tempted on several occasions, most recently by a new game that I was waiting for to come out.  I didn't let the set back of missing the days studies stop me from doing both days readings today.  In fact, I have found possibly a more conducive method for me to do the "readings".  One of the women who I am doing the study with found the Bible on ITunes so instead of reading it I am listening to it.  They always say that one of your senses is stronger.  I found it was easier for me to listen rather than to read, as I have always struggled with concentration when I am reading.  This may actually open up a new door for me as I might start looking in to audio books that I can listen to that I have been wanting to read by some of my favorite authors but have been unable to do up to this point.  I guess the frustration from the last couple of days is different because I have had a glimpse of the good that can be mine and I have started seeing opportunities instead of road blocks.  But I need to remember that I do not need to conquer in a day, or a week, or even a month.  As long as I keep some sort of progress going...even if it means that day I  just stayed away from the games.  That is still getting me in the direction that I want to go.  Some  days I will make more progress than other days and that is ok.  Today I met the goal of finishing my reading and I ended up blogging, which I didn't think I was going to do.  As the movie "What about Bob?" was famous for saying..."Baby steps..."  Those are ok , as long as I keep that rock moving forward, or at least stable and not rolling back on me I will be satisfied.

Well, I don't know where to start.  The last couple of days have been a struggle.  I waited all day yesterday to get the phone call about the results to the blood tests I had done.  I ended up having to wait over the long weekend as all the results were not in on Friday.  The results came back that my blood tests were fine, but that still doesn't answer the questions I have of why I am having the problems that I am.  I was sure those blood tests were going to show something, and now am facing having to go out for another appointment possibly.  I just want to ignore it and put it off and right now that side is winning.  After I got my results yesterday, I wished for the millionth time that I could talk to my mom, as the problem I am having is "woman" related.  I again felt the hole of grief open up and swallow me in.  I decided to call my Aunt Arlene, my father's sister,  since she was a nurse and I trust her.  As I was taking to her the conversation turned toward my mom and I ended up in tears.  After I got off of the phone with her,  I checked my email to see if I had heard anything about my writing.  I was happy to see that I had gotten a response from the PA TSA about me writing for them.  The email stated that it would love to have me help with their newsletter,  though it would not be a paid position.  So my emotions swung upward at the thought of writing for them and that my writing would be read by a good number of people.  However this was overtaken quickly by anxiety and panic, which is where I am still kind of at.   I spoke to the woman from the Alliance on the phone today and she seemed very nice, but my doubts are overtaking me.  I have still been waiting to here form Yahoo! about that article, and in the mean time have checked out some profiles of the writers.  This brought on more anxiety as the seem to have it so "together"and have endless ideas of what to write about.  I have struggled also the last couple of days with sitting down to write.  My mind is jumbled and I am finding it difficult to concentrate.  Same old...same old.  I took on another project as well.  I am attempting to read the Bible in 90 days with a group of ladies.  I now have the feeling of "What did I do???" and feel like I bit off more than I could chew with having theses different projects I am working on.  I know to most people this would be very little but to me it is a lot, and I am feeling very overwhelmed.    I am trying to push myself to keep going forward but I feel very much like retreating back into the "known" and "safe" zone in my life.  I am worn out, anxious, frustrated, and as my friend would say, "a hot mess".  That's where I'm at right now.

"By the seventh day God had finished  the work he had been doing; so on the seventh day he rested from all his work.  And God blessed the seventh day and made it holy, because on it he rested from all the work of creating that he had done."  ~Genesis 2:2-3

Something has been on my mind off and on today so I thought I would try to puts my thoughts down here.  I want to first of all state clearly that I do not and can not speak with any real authority on this since I myself am not  a mother but I believe this applies to all of us no matter what our position in life.  I was reading through statuses of my fb friends today and was struck by how "competitive" some mothers are.  This might sound like an odd choice of words.  But it seems every time at this year some are "swearing off" fb because it is such a waste of time.  Instantly others chime in with "me too" ..."what a time sucker"...one even commented that she would be gone were it not for "forced" down time with nursing.  Another friend's status was that she was resolving to be more positive with her statuses especially those pertaining to her kids as it was "brought to her attention" that she was being too negative.  I do not see the person as being negative, simply as being "real" with her frustrations in mothering and posting what others certainly think, but may not say.  When I have seen statuses of mothers actually taking the time to sleep in , other mothers chime in with " I thought such and such a time was sleeping in!".   Why is there a need to be so competitive not only with mothering but with life in general?  I personally am not ashamed of my time on fb and would go so far as saying I am very thankful for fb.  As I said before I live alone, with no means of transportation.  Many days, other than a phone call, it is my only means of connecting with other people.  I have been able to reconnect with many dear friends on fb and am able to keep up with their lives as a result of it.  I am also able to keep in better contact with family that is far away.  While I believe that some competition is good,  there is a time and a place for it.  If I were a mother and having struggles I would not want to be judged for that.  Why in our society are we ashamed of "down time" and always feel we need be productive at all times.  God himself calls for us to rest and even created a whole day that is to be dedicated to that.  So why do we as humans see it as so wrong?  Down time should not be "forced".   Rest is a gift offered by God, as much as anything else, and we should not be made to feel guilty for it, especially someone as devoted and hard working as mothers.

Two Small Steps for Womankind

"Do your best and leave the results to God."

I am very proud of myself this evening, exhausted but proud.  I made two steps toward my goal today.  I suppose I should fill you in on what my goal is.  I received several compliments from various people, who read my blog, about my writing.  I had it suggested to me by a couple different people that I might further explore writing for publication.  So, after getting over my initial feeling of flattery, that's when the panic set in, hence the fear of rejection.  Today, though, I have made two steps toward realizing that goal.  I submitted an email to the Pennsylvania TS Alliance about the  possibility of me writing articles for them based on my experience with TS.  I believe I could do a lot of people good with my knowledge of the illness, especially those who are newly diagnosed or are in school dealing with the pressures that it brings.  I even have some limited experience in the work place that I could discuss.  So we will have to see where that leads.  After I did that I had a huge anxiety attack.  When I get overly excited and anxious about something, for some reason it promotes a choking type reflex in my throat.  It is a miserable thing but I weathered through it.  One of my writer friends had suggested that I might also submit articles to Yahoo!'s Associated Content.  So the past couple of days I have been working on a piece for submission.  When I first was thinking about what to write, I was kind of flummoxed.  During this time I came across a neat quote.. "Write about what you feel, not what you know.".  I thought this was an interesting take on writing because so often we think of the other first.  So I decided to start a series of articles about memories with my mom.  This will also help me process more thoughts about my mom and I think once I am complete,  I will print it off for a gift for my family members.  Gifts from the heart after all are truly the best gifts I believe.  Later on today, I put the finishing touches on my article, created a profile on Yahoo!'s content site, and submitted my article.  The information said I would probably not know for a week or two if it will be published or not.  This was followed by another anxiety attack.  So as I said, I am really exhausted, the anxiety attacks really take it out of you.  More importantly though I am feeling a huge sense of accomplishment.  And it feels good....very good.

Risky Business

"If you don't risk anything, you risk even more."  ~Erica Jong

I have had an anxious day today.  I have been mulling over an idea that would be a risk for rejection.  I have never handled rejection very well.  That roots back to my days as a school student that had TS.  Human beings have a great capacity to love, but they have sometimes an even greater capacity to be cruel,  especially children. My road through middle school and high school was colored by my diagnosis of TS.  I was diagnosed in the seventh grade when I was 11.  I started that year having mostly vocal tics.  This was very problematic in school, especially during class time.  No one knew what was happening, least of all me or my parents.  The tics really came to a head during my Social Studies class.  The teacher of that class took it upon himself to assign a student to count the number of "frogs" (tics) I made during a class period.  Since I knew this was being done, my anxiety and embarrassment was very real.  Anxiety increases the incidence of tics,  especially in a quiet circumstances.  At this time too, I had yet to be medicated for the problem, so I had no help whatsoever to control the tics.  I dreaded that class period each day.  Class was bad enough let alone the knowledge of what was happening.  This teacher finally started sending me to the nurse's office constantly and one day I remember looking at the Nurse's Pass.  It stated "Tourette Syndrome?"  I remember thinking to myself....what is that??  Do I have some disease?   The teacher even went as far as giving me In School Suspension for disturbing the class.  I was never so ashamed as I was proud of being a good student.  It was the only thing I had going for me at the time   Nevertheless the tormenting during class time continued.  So much so, that my parents eventually petitioned and hassled the school until they pulled me out of the class and the guidance counselor eventually finished out the material with me.  Later on, I would be finally diagnosed with TS and found out more about the condition.  I have moved on from this and put it in the past.  But I still to this day do not understand the teacher's actions, especially since he had an idea of what I might have had.  I don't think I ever will for that matter.  So as a result rejection is a very big risk for me, even more so possibly than for most people.   There would also be much research for this project.  Each step I think about promotes more anxiety.  But then there is the reward looming up ahead.  A feeling of  accomplishing something worthwhile and maybe even a financial reward which would be a huge blessing given my circumstances.  It has been a very long time since I have really felt good about myself for something I accomplished.  Probably the last major accomplishment I had was quitting smoking about eight years ago.  I really would love to feel that feeling of  "Job well done" again.  But what if I fail? Will I be able to pick my self, dust myself off, and start all over again, as the song goes?  I guess time will tell.  Nothing at all is certain in life, really.  If I have learned anything from my mother's diagnosis with AD, that is one of them.  She at 64 is not living the life that her and Dad had planned.  Life is short.  I think I know what I have to do.  It's just a matter of doing it.  And being OK with the consequences.

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. Sail away from the safe harbor.  Explore.  Dream.  Discover."  ~Mark Twain

I am feeling rather victorious today.  What I did today was not by any means remarkable in and of itself.  It's what I didn't do that was remarkable, at least for me.  So what did I do?  When I got up today I again felt like going out.  The fact that i thought about going out two days in a row was very reassuring to me.  So I called my dad to see if they wanted to go out to dinner and to get some blood work done that I have been putting off because it meant leaving the apartment.  The blood work may also answer some health questions that I have had, possible thyroid issues or hormonal issues which might not be helping my depression in the least.   My dad called me back later though, and let me know that he could not get the car up out of their steep driveway again today due to the ice we got yesterday.  I then remembered that Amy did not have to go into work until later in the day so I called her to see what she and Loren were up to.  She said we could go out for a quick lunch and then to get my blood work.  So my big outing was going to McD's and my doctor's office..lol.  For most people this would be trivial and just a small part of the whole sum of a day.  But what I didn't do was more the victory.  Shortly after I called my sister and got dressed , my agoraphobic side ambushed me...the familiar feelings of anxiety and dread over a simple trip out started to close in over me.  I eventually got to the point where usually I would have completely backed out and cancelled.  But...not this time.   Instead I went to my list of inspirational quotes (which have gotten quite dusty) and said a prayer.  Within minutes the feelings started easing and it began to feel possible again for me to actually make a step out the door.  Soon Amy and Loren came and I was outside waiting for them, ready to go.  And I had an extremely unexpected thing happen.  My downstairs neighbor is and older lady who has never been friendly and has been downright unfriendly and rude to both me and my family.  As I was downstairs waiting for Amy, her car pulled up, she parked, and got out with a couple of bags from going out.  I decided to try once again with her.  Before I could even say anything she said.." Go away white stuff"  while looking up at the sky, with kind of a growl/ half smirk on her face.  I told her I agreed and asked her how her Christmas was and she proceeded to tell me about playing paintball with her grandchildren and actually smiled at me and was friendly.   What a blessing to have made some kind of connection with her, however small it was...I would have missed it entirely if I hadn't gone...but I did.  As soon as I got in the car with Amy and Loren I felt successful and at ease.  And very proud.  Again, I know this is so small of a thing, but to me it looms large.  I did not let me anxiety and dread win today.  I was the victor.  And if felt good...very good.