"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. Sail away from the safe harbor.  Explore.  Dream.  Discover."  ~Mark Twain

I am feeling rather victorious today.  What I did today was not by any means remarkable in and of itself.  It's what I didn't do that was remarkable, at least for me.  So what did I do?  When I got up today I again felt like going out.  The fact that i thought about going out two days in a row was very reassuring to me.  So I called my dad to see if they wanted to go out to dinner and to get some blood work done that I have been putting off because it meant leaving the apartment.  The blood work may also answer some health questions that I have had, possible thyroid issues or hormonal issues which might not be helping my depression in the least.   My dad called me back later though, and let me know that he could not get the car up out of their steep driveway again today due to the ice we got yesterday.  I then remembered that Amy did not have to go into work until later in the day so I called her to see what she and Loren were up to.  She said we could go out for a quick lunch and then to get my blood work.  So my big outing was going to McD's and my doctor's office..lol.  For most people this would be trivial and just a small part of the whole sum of a day.  But what I didn't do was more the victory.  Shortly after I called my sister and got dressed , my agoraphobic side ambushed me...the familiar feelings of anxiety and dread over a simple trip out started to close in over me.  I eventually got to the point where usually I would have completely backed out and cancelled.  But...not this time.   Instead I went to my list of inspirational quotes (which have gotten quite dusty) and said a prayer.  Within minutes the feelings started easing and it began to feel possible again for me to actually make a step out the door.  Soon Amy and Loren came and I was outside waiting for them, ready to go.  And I had an extremely unexpected thing happen.  My downstairs neighbor is and older lady who has never been friendly and has been downright unfriendly and rude to both me and my family.  As I was downstairs waiting for Amy, her car pulled up, she parked, and got out with a couple of bags from going out.  I decided to try once again with her.  Before I could even say anything she said.." Go away white stuff"  while looking up at the sky, with kind of a growl/ half smirk on her face.  I told her I agreed and asked her how her Christmas was and she proceeded to tell me about playing paintball with her grandchildren and actually smiled at me and was friendly.   What a blessing to have made some kind of connection with her, however small it was...I would have missed it entirely if I hadn't gone...but I did.  As soon as I got in the car with Amy and Loren I felt successful and at ease.  And very proud.  Again, I know this is so small of a thing, but to me it looms large.  I did not let me anxiety and dread win today.  I was the victor.  And if felt good...very good.