The Beginning of a Journey

A strong woman knows she has strength enough for the journey, but a woman of strength knows it is in the journey where she will become strong!

Blogging is an entirely new journey for me.  My mom was a faithful journal writer for many years and  I always admired that about her but never seemed to be able to stick with it myself.  I am at a point now in my life where I think blogging will help me to process some of the things that are going on in my life. 

A little about me:  I am a 30 something woman who was raised in a strong Christian home.  My dad is a retired United Methodist Pastor and my mom had her teaching degree and did various teaching jobs, from substituting to home bound instruction...but her real love was GED teaching.  They have been married for 44 years now.  I have one older sister Amy, whom I am very close to.  She has been married to her husband Loren for 10 years.  My sister was diagnosed with leukemia when she was 12 and I was 7.  She recovered from it  but it really affected me happening at such a young age.  My mom and I have always been very close...she is truly my best friend.  She was diagnosed with Alzheimer's Disease in 2005 at 58 years of age.  This came as a shock to us as it really had not appeared in our family at all prior to this.  To say this has been difficult to face is an understatement.  I myself have chronic depression and anxiety as well as Tourette Syndrome.  TS is a neurological illness that causes you to have involuntary movement and vocal tics.  Mental illness is a minute by minute battle for me.  The road to this point has not been easy, but God is faithful even in the darkness.  My mom's AD is progressing quite rapidly.  She is to the point now where she has wandered out of the home on several occasions...luckily my parents live in a low traffic area and our neighbors are aware of her condition.   She is now unable to put a full sentence together and it is difficult even to figure out the words she does attempt to say.  She is still able to communicate her needs and wants for the most part for which I am thankful.   She needs help with the basic things we take for granted such as bathing, dressing, and eating and needs instruction on how do to basic things such as to take a big gulp of water when taking her pills instead of just a sip.   The AD is also affecting her affect...she now squints most of the time and it is increasingly difficult to take pictures of her as it is hard for her to smile "on command".  She also has a hard time sitting still for any length of time and is restless...shuffles when she walks...and wanders around the house more.  Our family's goal is to keep her at home as long as it is feasible.  I am hoping this blog will help me to process some of the feelings and emotions I am having as a result of life in general but more specifically with mom and her continued progression.  I experience such a mix of emotions when I am with her now...the great love I have for her, grief over how much she has changed,  fear  and anxiety over what the future holds, relief that she still knows me the majority of the time, and thankfulness that I was blessed with a Mom like her.  It's a strange thing when someone you love has AD.  It's as though you are already mourning them while they are still here and you are stuck in this perpetual mourning until their physical death.  I have spent the last two years trying to make sense of this emotion as she has progressed and as a result have for the most part shut myself of form most everything and everybody.  I am trying now to move beyond that, see my mom on a regular basis, become active in my family's life again, and wrap my head around this "new" mom.  She can still give love and receive love and that is what I try to keep in mind when things are tough.  I don't want to miss anymore hugs and kisses from her.  Life is too uncertain for time to be wasted.  I am tired of just surviving.  I want to start thriving.  And the best place to start to do that is with my family who loves me unconditionally and with no bounds.  I would not be the person I am today without them and I am ever so grateful to God for giving me the family that I have.