Two Small Steps for Womankind

"Do your best and leave the results to God."

I am very proud of myself this evening, exhausted but proud.  I made two steps toward my goal today.  I suppose I should fill you in on what my goal is.  I received several compliments from various people, who read my blog, about my writing.  I had it suggested to me by a couple different people that I might further explore writing for publication.  So, after getting over my initial feeling of flattery, that's when the panic set in, hence the fear of rejection.  Today, though, I have made two steps toward realizing that goal.  I submitted an email to the Pennsylvania TS Alliance about the  possibility of me writing articles for them based on my experience with TS.  I believe I could do a lot of people good with my knowledge of the illness, especially those who are newly diagnosed or are in school dealing with the pressures that it brings.  I even have some limited experience in the work place that I could discuss.  So we will have to see where that leads.  After I did that I had a huge anxiety attack.  When I get overly excited and anxious about something, for some reason it promotes a choking type reflex in my throat.  It is a miserable thing but I weathered through it.  One of my writer friends had suggested that I might also submit articles to Yahoo!'s Associated Content.  So the past couple of days I have been working on a piece for submission.  When I first was thinking about what to write, I was kind of flummoxed.  During this time I came across a neat quote.. "Write about what you feel, not what you know.".  I thought this was an interesting take on writing because so often we think of the other first.  So I decided to start a series of articles about memories with my mom.  This will also help me process more thoughts about my mom and I think once I am complete,  I will print it off for a gift for my family members.  Gifts from the heart after all are truly the best gifts I believe.  Later on today, I put the finishing touches on my article, created a profile on Yahoo!'s content site, and submitted my article.  The information said I would probably not know for a week or two if it will be published or not.  This was followed by another anxiety attack.  So as I said, I am really exhausted, the anxiety attacks really take it out of you.  More importantly though I am feeling a huge sense of accomplishment.  And it feels good....very good.

Risky Business

"If you don't risk anything, you risk even more."  ~Erica Jong

I have had an anxious day today.  I have been mulling over an idea that would be a risk for rejection.  I have never handled rejection very well.  That roots back to my days as a school student that had TS.  Human beings have a great capacity to love, but they have sometimes an even greater capacity to be cruel,  especially children. My road through middle school and high school was colored by my diagnosis of TS.  I was diagnosed in the seventh grade when I was 11.  I started that year having mostly vocal tics.  This was very problematic in school, especially during class time.  No one knew what was happening, least of all me or my parents.  The tics really came to a head during my Social Studies class.  The teacher of that class took it upon himself to assign a student to count the number of "frogs" (tics) I made during a class period.  Since I knew this was being done, my anxiety and embarrassment was very real.  Anxiety increases the incidence of tics,  especially in a quiet circumstances.  At this time too, I had yet to be medicated for the problem, so I had no help whatsoever to control the tics.  I dreaded that class period each day.  Class was bad enough let alone the knowledge of what was happening.  This teacher finally started sending me to the nurse's office constantly and one day I remember looking at the Nurse's Pass.  It stated "Tourette Syndrome?"  I remember thinking to myself....what is that??  Do I have some disease?   The teacher even went as far as giving me In School Suspension for disturbing the class.  I was never so ashamed as I was proud of being a good student.  It was the only thing I had going for me at the time   Nevertheless the tormenting during class time continued.  So much so, that my parents eventually petitioned and hassled the school until they pulled me out of the class and the guidance counselor eventually finished out the material with me.  Later on, I would be finally diagnosed with TS and found out more about the condition.  I have moved on from this and put it in the past.  But I still to this day do not understand the teacher's actions, especially since he had an idea of what I might have had.  I don't think I ever will for that matter.  So as a result rejection is a very big risk for me, even more so possibly than for most people.   There would also be much research for this project.  Each step I think about promotes more anxiety.  But then there is the reward looming up ahead.  A feeling of  accomplishing something worthwhile and maybe even a financial reward which would be a huge blessing given my circumstances.  It has been a very long time since I have really felt good about myself for something I accomplished.  Probably the last major accomplishment I had was quitting smoking about eight years ago.  I really would love to feel that feeling of  "Job well done" again.  But what if I fail? Will I be able to pick my self, dust myself off, and start all over again, as the song goes?  I guess time will tell.  Nothing at all is certain in life, really.  If I have learned anything from my mother's diagnosis with AD, that is one of them.  She at 64 is not living the life that her and Dad had planned.  Life is short.  I think I know what I have to do.  It's just a matter of doing it.  And being OK with the consequences.

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. Sail away from the safe harbor.  Explore.  Dream.  Discover."  ~Mark Twain

I am feeling rather victorious today.  What I did today was not by any means remarkable in and of itself.  It's what I didn't do that was remarkable, at least for me.  So what did I do?  When I got up today I again felt like going out.  The fact that i thought about going out two days in a row was very reassuring to me.  So I called my dad to see if they wanted to go out to dinner and to get some blood work done that I have been putting off because it meant leaving the apartment.  The blood work may also answer some health questions that I have had, possible thyroid issues or hormonal issues which might not be helping my depression in the least.   My dad called me back later though, and let me know that he could not get the car up out of their steep driveway again today due to the ice we got yesterday.  I then remembered that Amy did not have to go into work until later in the day so I called her to see what she and Loren were up to.  She said we could go out for a quick lunch and then to get my blood work.  So my big outing was going to McD's and my doctor's office..lol.  For most people this would be trivial and just a small part of the whole sum of a day.  But what I didn't do was more the victory.  Shortly after I called my sister and got dressed , my agoraphobic side ambushed me...the familiar feelings of anxiety and dread over a simple trip out started to close in over me.  I eventually got to the point where usually I would have completely backed out and cancelled.  But...not this time.   Instead I went to my list of inspirational quotes (which have gotten quite dusty) and said a prayer.  Within minutes the feelings started easing and it began to feel possible again for me to actually make a step out the door.  Soon Amy and Loren came and I was outside waiting for them, ready to go.  And I had an extremely unexpected thing happen.  My downstairs neighbor is and older lady who has never been friendly and has been downright unfriendly and rude to both me and my family.  As I was downstairs waiting for Amy, her car pulled up, she parked, and got out with a couple of bags from going out.  I decided to try once again with her.  Before I could even say anything she said.." Go away white stuff"  while looking up at the sky, with kind of a growl/ half smirk on her face.  I told her I agreed and asked her how her Christmas was and she proceeded to tell me about playing paintball with her grandchildren and actually smiled at me and was friendly.   What a blessing to have made some kind of connection with her, however small it was...I would have missed it entirely if I hadn't gone...but I did.  As soon as I got in the car with Amy and Loren I felt successful and at ease.  And very proud.  Again, I know this is so small of a thing, but to me it looms large.  I did not let me anxiety and dread win today.  I was the victor.  And if felt good...very good.

The Not So Young and Restless

For some reason I am extremely restless today.  I actually felt like going out today but the weather where I live was icy so I wasn't able to.  I realize though that it is a positive step that I in fact even thought about going out without being asked by someone first.  I do not drive because of my TS so I depend on others for going out any more than walking distance from my apartment which is very frustrating at times.  Because I am limited in my opportunities to go out, I struggle a lot with filling my day with things to do.  I am single with no children and do not work to my health issues so do not have a lot of "typical" things to fill my time.  I know this would be a wonderful thing for many people but for me it is not.  I would give anything to be able to work and have some of the trappings that so many hate or at least complain about.  I struggle to feel productive and it is frustrating.  I hear and read so often about people who "live off the government" and know of the generalizations so many have when it comes to that subject.   I understand that there are some who do take advantage of programs  but I think it is a highly misrepresented thing.  I know when it comes to my TS, people's first question is usually "Do you swear all the time?" because that is the "worst case scenario" that is always presented to people when in fact the vast majority of people who have TS do not have that symptom at all.  I believe the same holds true for government assistance programs.  Yes there is the "worst case scenario" of drug dealers that are helped by these programs but the majority of people that are helped are people like me.  They are people who have no other means by which to support themselves and if asked would be more than happy to work instead of what they are doing now.  I know I  know I would be.  Since most of the time I am kept to things I can do in my apartment, my options are pretty limited.  For the past couple of years I have passed my time with FB games....they filled in my day and I was able to meet some great people.  But I came to the realization that they were starting to do more harm than good , so before Christmas I gave them up.  I believe this was the right decision in the long run...but I am faced again with all this "empty" time in my day.  I see what others are doing and realize how lonely I feel...so much more so since my mom is not able to do things like talk on the phone anymore.  I used the games as a way to combat that, to escape and not have to think about things.  Now I do not have that false "protection" anymore.  My shield is gone and I feel vulnerable.  So where will I get my protection?  The only source I know of for sure is God.  

"He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart."

The Beginning of a Journey

A strong woman knows she has strength enough for the journey, but a woman of strength knows it is in the journey where she will become strong!

Blogging is an entirely new journey for me.  My mom was a faithful journal writer for many years and  I always admired that about her but never seemed to be able to stick with it myself.  I am at a point now in my life where I think blogging will help me to process some of the things that are going on in my life. 

A little about me:  I am a 30 something woman who was raised in a strong Christian home.  My dad is a retired United Methodist Pastor and my mom had her teaching degree and did various teaching jobs, from substituting to home bound instruction...but her real love was GED teaching.  They have been married for 44 years now.  I have one older sister Amy, whom I am very close to.  She has been married to her husband Loren for 10 years.  My sister was diagnosed with leukemia when she was 12 and I was 7.  She recovered from it  but it really affected me happening at such a young age.  My mom and I have always been very close...she is truly my best friend.  She was diagnosed with Alzheimer's Disease in 2005 at 58 years of age.  This came as a shock to us as it really had not appeared in our family at all prior to this.  To say this has been difficult to face is an understatement.  I myself have chronic depression and anxiety as well as Tourette Syndrome.  TS is a neurological illness that causes you to have involuntary movement and vocal tics.  Mental illness is a minute by minute battle for me.  The road to this point has not been easy, but God is faithful even in the darkness.  My mom's AD is progressing quite rapidly.  She is to the point now where she has wandered out of the home on several occasions...luckily my parents live in a low traffic area and our neighbors are aware of her condition.   She is now unable to put a full sentence together and it is difficult even to figure out the words she does attempt to say.  She is still able to communicate her needs and wants for the most part for which I am thankful.   She needs help with the basic things we take for granted such as bathing, dressing, and eating and needs instruction on how do to basic things such as to take a big gulp of water when taking her pills instead of just a sip.   The AD is also affecting her affect...she now squints most of the time and it is increasingly difficult to take pictures of her as it is hard for her to smile "on command".  She also has a hard time sitting still for any length of time and is restless...shuffles when she walks...and wanders around the house more.  Our family's goal is to keep her at home as long as it is feasible.  I am hoping this blog will help me to process some of the feelings and emotions I am having as a result of life in general but more specifically with mom and her continued progression.  I experience such a mix of emotions when I am with her now...the great love I have for her, grief over how much she has changed,  fear  and anxiety over what the future holds, relief that she still knows me the majority of the time, and thankfulness that I was blessed with a Mom like her.  It's a strange thing when someone you love has AD.  It's as though you are already mourning them while they are still here and you are stuck in this perpetual mourning until their physical death.  I have spent the last two years trying to make sense of this emotion as she has progressed and as a result have for the most part shut myself of form most everything and everybody.  I am trying now to move beyond that, see my mom on a regular basis, become active in my family's life again, and wrap my head around this "new" mom.  She can still give love and receive love and that is what I try to keep in mind when things are tough.  I don't want to miss anymore hugs and kisses from her.  Life is too uncertain for time to be wasted.  I am tired of just surviving.  I want to start thriving.  And the best place to start to do that is with my family who loves me unconditionally and with no bounds.  I would not be the person I am today without them and I am ever so grateful to God for giving me the family that I have.